Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Broken Promises

I promised myself I wouldn't let it bother me anymore.

I wasn't going to get upset when someone who *said* they were my friend actually *did* something quite mean and hurtful, probably intentionally.

I wasn't going to get upset when I discovered them caught in what is tantamount to a lie.

I wasn't going to allow them to affect my life... to hurt me... to make me feel rejected and unworthy of being loved.

But I broke that promise. And they did hurt me. And they do hurt me. But at least this time, they don't know how much I hurt. And they won't know... not until I figure out what to do... maybe not ever.

I mean, what do you do? What do you say to someone who is supposed to be your friend, but is going around being hurtful and deceptive? Do you even bother to say anything? Sometimes we hurt our friends, that can't be avoided. But I do expect my friends to be honest with me. And I guess I expect that if you don't want to be my friend, you will be honest about that, too. If you think I am mean or ill-intentioned, I guess I would expect that you would either A) not want or claim to be my friend or B) call me on it. Being that I was neither mean or ill-intentioned in anything towards this person, I am shocked by their behavior. I did expect more of them, and the disappointment in their behavior is crushing, but does not even compare to the incredible hurt.

And what can I do about it? Seriously, I need to know what you think. At this point, I guess I am inclined to "turn the other cheek," or more accurately, ignore it and hope it will stop. I don't want to bring it up for a few reasons, one of which is I don't think the other person is going to be receptive to what I have to say since I have tried in a very mild and non-threatening way to bring it up in the past and they shut me down. Another thing is that being that this person has already hurt me quite a bit by their recent behavior, I don't want to give them any power to hurt me any more than they already have; I don't want to show them my weakness and my hurt because I am afraid they might take advantage of it. Another reason is that I just don't know if it is worth it. I thought I wanted this person in my life as a friend, but if this is who they really are, I am not so sure.

Even if I take the situation at best... even if I assume that they did not intend to hurt me by what they did... they are still choosing not to be honest with me, even when I tested the water in a mild way to try to get them to at least give me a bit of the truth. Unintentional hurt I can excuse. Intentional dishonesty... not so much.

So I guess I do nothing?

6 comments:

Moriah said...

Hey hon, I am sorry this person hurt you. I would say it needs to be addressed if it happens often and if you want to continue this friendship. A friendship is something that must grow and deepen. That cannot happen when they are hurting you. It only makes you wary, if not afraid, of them. However, if they are just an acquaintance, a non-growing relationship, then you can and should just let them go. Don't waste your time with such people. You are better than that.

Anonymous said...

Grace--I feel your pain because i know what it is like to think someone is your friend and to be hurt so badly. It sounds to me like Friend is not really your friend. If this person is, he/she is not a very good friend and definitely doesn't deserve you--AN AMAZING GIVING FRIEND. This person is taking advantage of you. In my opinion and my experience, you have to do what is right for you, and discard your poisonous relationships. By saything this I am not necessarily calling Friend a bad person, but by the sound of how Friend is acting, Friend is not paying much attention to how his/her actions affect the important people in his/her life. I think you already have turned the other cheek, but now you are just being beat up. Please, end this relationship for you and your daughter.
I have discarded poisonous relationships before. I know the next thought is, "Then who will I lean on? Who will I be friends with?" God has always come through for me on this one. EVERY TIME, when I asked for support and comfort and a new friend, he has been there and provided my every need. Better friends so beautifully walk into my life and help me build better, more solid relationships.
You deserve honest and open friends. You deserve to be able to communicate freely with your friends. And you deserve a good support system, none of which it sounds like you are getting decent amounts from in Friend. Please stand up for your emotions and feelings. You aren't necessarily being hurtful back when you defend your needs. Defend your needs and get what you need.
Let me know how things go.

Anonymous said...

Grace--I feel your pain because i know what it is like to think someone is your friend and to be hurt so badly. It sounds to me like Friend is not really your friend. If this person is, he/she is not a very good friend and definitely doesn't deserve you--AN AMAZING GIVING FRIEND. This person is taking advantage of you. In my opinion and my experience, you have to do what is right for you, and discard your poisonous relationships. By saything this I am not necessarily calling Friend a bad person, but by the sound of how Friend is acting, Friend is not paying much attention to how his/her actions affect the important people in his/her life. I think you already have turned the other cheek, but now you are just being beat up. Please, end this relationship for you and your daughter.
I have discarded poisonous relationships before. I know the next thought is, "Then who will I lean on? Who will I be friends with?" God has always come through for me on this one. EVERY TIME, when I asked for support and comfort and a new friend, he has been there and provided my every need. Better friends so beautifully walk into my life and help me build better, more solid relationships.
You deserve honest and open friends. You deserve to be able to communicate freely with your friends. And you deserve a good support system, none of which it sounds like you are getting decent amounts from in Friend. Please stand up for your emotions and feelings. You aren't necessarily being hurtful back when you defend your needs. Defend your needs and get what you need.
Let me know how things go.

Anonymous said...

matthew 5:43

Anonymous said...

I swear I didn't post twice!

Mandy said...

Is it too late to comment? Hmm... Oh well, I am anyway. I know you have a hard time with confrontation sometimes but I think it's best to get things out there. I agree with the previous comments except the posting twice thing (I think she did ;) ). You are such a strong and wonderful woman. No one can hurt you unless you let them. Don't give them the power. That being said, I've still not figured out how to not give people that power. It's like a work in progress. When all else fails, kick them in the shins. I know, not so Christian but it seems to work for me.

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