Monday, October 30, 2006

Delete

I admit, I've done it. I've deleted someone from my life. I cut them out: deleted their folder from my email inbox, deleted their number from my cell phone, thrown out (most of) the memory box, blocked them from my blog and flickr and all of that, stopped speaking their name. Once I even changed my cell phone number so that they couldn't call me. Yes, I did it... not often, but more than once. Because they were hurting me, or because I couldn't go on loving them, or because they asked me to... in one case, all three reasons.

But I don't think I really knew how it felt to be "deleted." Sure, there was that one time that someone took me off their blog link-list, but I didn't really think they were truly deleting me- just giving the appearance of it. But now... now I think I am truly being deleted. Someone is trying to make it as if I had never been a part of their life. They are erasing all connection to me, cutting all the things that would bind us in any way to each other, pretending I had never been there.

I see it, and it hurts. I don't know why they would have to do that. I don't see how that will help anything or change anything. More than the sheer futility of actions that are deleting me from this person's life, it is the curiosity... the wonder... the questions it provokes in me that hurt. I deleted people because they were hurting me or because I had to make myself stop caring for them. Deleteting them seemed to be the only option I had to prevent them from continuing to hurt me in the future... But I don't see how I could have hurt this person; I don't think I really ever did hurt this person, primarily because I don't know if they ever really cared enough to allow me to be in the position of hurting them. So, if it is not to avoid hurt, why would they delete me?

Sheer spite?

Or because they perceive me as some sort of threat?

Or because they somehow have something to gain by trying to make it appear that I was never a part of their life?

Somehow, I think it is option 3. I have no assurances of this, just suspicions, rooted in a knowledge of this person and the way they act and a few hints of their recent behavior. And so be it- if they think they are going to somehow gain something by deleting me from their life, well, there is not much I can do about that, and fighting it certainly won't improve the situation. But I question how far this will go... how dishonest or vaguely truthful will this person have to be to delete me from their life? Are they willing to do that? I don't know. A few months ago I would have shouted "NO! They most certainly would not!" But now I don't know.

And anyway, speculating about someone else's actions and why they are acting a given way towards me will get me nowhere fast. That is one thing I learned in counseling, if nothing else. I have no control over how or why anyone else thinks... or their actions that result from their (sometimes faulty) thinking. So continuing this line of thought is useless.

But nonetheless, being deleted... it's not fun. It hurts. And it makes me sad that someone would want to delete me. I can understand wanting to be rid of the bad stuff, but to also get rid of the good? I guess I wish that there was enough good stuff that it would outweigh the bad and that instead of being deleted, I could just be cut-and-pasted into a different area. But that seems not to be the case. To this person, I am not worth a cut-and-paste. It makes me sad to know that someone I care about thinks that I am only a [delete]

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

My soul wait thou only upon God, for my expectation is from Him.
He only is my Rock and my Salvation, He is my Defense,
I shall not be moved. Psalm 62: 5 & 6

Anonymous said...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through
the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through
the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God. The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43: 2-3

Anonymous said...

How do I put my pouty facial expression into words. I feel your pain. I understand where you are coming from. I slightly stick out my lower lip for you, not out of manipulation to get what I want, but out of sadness and that "hmmfff" sorta feeling, as if trying to say with my face "This sucks..." I would love to talk to you soon, remind you that you are loved, and that there are great people out there. And that you are a wonderful woman that I admire and I'm hurt that someone would hurt you.

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