I was scanning a few blogs, not really looking for anything in particular, when the above phrase caught my eye and captured my imagination. Sometimes, that is how I feel. Especially lately. In my mind, and even sometimes fully expressed to others, I give a tribute to someone who then turns out to be completely opposite of who I thought they were. How does that happen?
How is it that I allow myself to become emotionally intimate with people who are so capable of deceiving me about who they really are? I know part of it is my problem: I don't protect myself emotionally the way I should, and I enter far to quickly into intimacy, and to a lesser degree, vulnerability. And by the time I have figured out their true self, they have hurt me immensely. Yes, part of that is me: I know I need to guard my heart more carefully.
But is there a part of me that is simply willing to be deceived? Is there a part of me that is so desperate for emotional intimacy that I perhaps deceive myself? These thoughts are pouring out now, and I can't stop them from coming. More and more I see that perhaps if I am not deceiving myself, I am allowing myself to be deceived... or maybe better stated, I am allowing myself, against common sense and against reason provided by past experience, to believe the absolute best of people's intentions and communications. I am setting myself up.
Setting yourself up inevitably leads to being knocked down, and that hurts. I am tired of that.