There are times when I worry I have created a monster.
No, not my human children, but my Internet love child. That little list.
Even though I am no longer in the process, that list has a hold on me. I smile widely each time I get an email of a new family to be added to the paperchase or wait list page. I go nuts when the boards lite up with news of referrals... what day, how old, what gender, and who might have pictures of your little one for you? When I get confirmation that someone is moving from the referral/court process page to the forever family page, my heart jumps. I am so happy to be the recorder of these life-shaping events. On the one hand, I am so proud of that list because it has such potential to create and spread joy.
But on the other hand, it also has potential to create sorrows. I look at that list, study it daily, and sometimes question if I have done the right thing. When I see families waiting- when I send check-in emails to see if I missed the news of their referral... when they wait for months and months to see their child's face, I am so sad for them. I know that wait- that longing. I know that it will ease, but never completely disappear, even once they are holding their child in their arms. I know that they will carry that desire- that yearning- for every child who is waiting to come home to their forever family, and that yearning will stay with them.
The worst is the referral/court process page. Long waits for court dates. Failures to pass. Months of watching your child grow up- of missing them, of wanting them, of loving them while they know so little of you and have no idea how deeply they are loved. I cannot imagine that pain. And to look at that list and think about those families who are waiting on a mere slip of paper... to know that it is just some tree pulp and ink that is separating them from their child... there aren't words for that. To know that this list is spreading the news of that heartache does make me question if this list is the right thing to do.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey by being the scribe of the steps in your process. I am honored and humbled. And I hope and pray for each family on that list that your children will soon be in your arms.