Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Thoughts on That List

There are times when I worry I have created a monster.

No, not my human children, but my Internet love child. That little list.

Even though I am no longer in the process, that list has a hold on me. I smile widely each time I get an email of a new family to be added to the paperchase or wait list page. I go nuts when the boards lite up with news of referrals... what day, how old, what gender, and who might have pictures of your little one for you? When I get confirmation that someone is moving from the referral/court process page to the forever family page, my heart jumps. I am so happy to be the recorder of these life-shaping events. On the one hand, I am so proud of that list because it has such potential to create and spread joy.

But on the other hand, it also has potential to create sorrows. I look at that list, study it daily, and sometimes question if I have done the right thing. When I see families waiting- when I send check-in emails to see if I missed the news of their referral... when they wait for months and months to see their child's face, I am so sad for them. I know that wait- that longing. I know that it will ease, but never completely disappear, even once they are holding their child in their arms. I know that they will carry that desire- that yearning- for every child who is waiting to come home to their forever family, and that yearning will stay with them.

The worst is the referral/court process page. Long waits for court dates. Failures to pass. Months of watching your child grow up- of missing them, of wanting them, of loving them while they know so little of you and have no idea how deeply they are loved. I cannot imagine that pain. And to look at that list and think about those families who are waiting on a mere slip of paper... to know that it is just some tree pulp and ink that is separating them from their child... there aren't words for that. To know that this list is spreading the news of that heartache does make me question if this list is the right thing to do.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey by being the scribe of the steps in your process. I am honored and humbled. And I hope and pray for each family on that list that your children will soon be in your arms.

11 comments:

LoveNotes4CocoPrincess said...

That list has helped me remain calm in the storm. That list has given me the opportunity to think about others and to pray for others who we'll probably never met on this side of heaven. That list has connected me to AWESOME, women who I know I wouldn't have never met without "the list". That list has pushed me into stepping out into greatness that was intimadated by forces around me. That list makes my husband laugh at the fact that there is someone else out there that is detail orientated as I am. That list has helped my family appreciate all that goes into adoption.

Thank you for the list Grace!

Ryane said...

Grace,

One million "thank yous" for starting and keeping the list. I cannot even begin to tell you how helpful it is.

Jeremy and Sheila said...

I too really appreciate the time and effort you put into this list. We have been able to get to know others through this list, to have others encourage us and for us to be able to encourage them during this wait. It's a blessing to know people who are going through the exact same thing we are. It is heartbreaking to see families waiting for much longer than probably anyone expected but I agree though that it is a reminder for us to keep those families and children in our prayers. Thank you so much for what you do!!

Anonymous said...

i credit the list to helping me stay patient and give me great perspective. love the list!

Maarten and Hanna said...

Grace,

Just wanted you to know that Hanna and I been using the list daily. When we come back from work we have a routine where we race for the computer ....up the stairs and see if there have been any referals. I think it is safe to say that if it wasn't for the list EVERY phone call during the day would evoke the response "is this the call..is this the call" so hats off to The List!

Maarten and Hanna - ourbluebirdhouse

Ellen said...

I love the list - a little too much. :)

Thank you, Grace!!

Julia said...

I'm not even anywhere on the list (I'm with another agency) and I love the list.

Jen said...

Thank you! I have to say that when I get discouraged with the wait, I will turn to the list to see if anyone else has gotten good news. It is amazing how wonderful I feel when someone gets a referral or passes court. Just when I want to cry out, "why is it taking so long?" I feel like I personally received good news.

Lori S said...

Your list helped me when we were waiting.It helped me to stay connected with others who were waiting too. Yes, I'm sure it is a monster--a huge responsibility!! I can't even imagine the time it takes to keep the list updated! God bless you for taking the time to do it! Wow!

Farmboy and Buttercup said...

Love, love, love the list.

Especially this second go round.

Thank you!!!

Sam said...

I love that list. I check it EVERY day. Its how I know that people have passed and reminds me to go look at their pics. thanks so much

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