Friday, August 17, 2012

Guest Post Follow Up: Q&A

Ugandan Child via PeterJBellis on Flickr

A few weeks ago I shared one of the most important posts I have ever had the privilege of running on this blog. Today I wanted to share some follow-up Q&A, reader questions that Amy* has answered.

How did you talk to your children about this process?
My children are young and it was hard to explain fully the situation. We shared with them as much as we could in an age-appropriate manner, throughout the entire adoption process.  In our home we pray about everything and therefore, this situation with our adoption was a great teaching opportunity to show my kids that we can take our worries and concerns to God and talk to Him about them.  We were honest with our kids, allowing them to understand that there are hard aspects to adoption and that not everyone involved in the adoption process has pure motives. They were able to see that God is in control even if things do not turn out as we hope!

How do your children feel about it now?
I think they, as do my husband and I, still feel a sense of sadness and even a bit like "it's not fair we didn't get to bring a child home from UG" -- which is a lot how I feel, too. I also know they have expressed to me (as they've heard me communicate the same thoughts) that they are happy and thankful that the little guy is safely back with his birthmom! Ultimately, knowing God is in charge and that He truly does work things out according to His plan, not ours!

Uganda_2 via matt-lucht on Flickr

How do you feel now? What are your future plans?
Overall, I think the main thing I feel is peace and I am SO grateful that I can say that! Still though, when I am at the grocery store and I see a young little boy running around, my heart feels pain so deep I have to try not to cry most times.... but God is healing me and I am confident that He will show us what He has for us next!

I do see orphan care in our future... I don't think I could ever be done fighting for the orphan and the vulnerable. I don't know if that will include an adoption for our family or not.  But I am learning more about and interested in foster care, older child adoption, SN adoption, and being a voice for those who do not have one!  In the meantime I desire to share our story, and hopefully use our pain for good.

So, if your agency was so horrible, what is a good Ugandan adoption agency?
I do believe there are ethical, "good" agencies out there, but let's not forget that agencies are a business 1st and like all businesses, need to profit (financially, increase clients, market their name, etc) in order to stay in business. All agencies will tell you what you want to hear, and most of the times when you get a list from the agency to call you are going to be calling families who have been pleased with the agency -- not very impartial information.

I think a great resource is the Yahoo group that reviews adoption agencies. Of course, you will find positive and negative reviews on there (some dated as well) but it's a good resource to begin with to receive non-biased information.

I would be leery of any agency that helps with the adoption process in any country that makes promises that just shouldn't be made (and that can't be legally, ethically kept) -- "we will find the the itty-ist, bitty-ist baby we can", "we have a quick, painless process", "we will refer you an infant within a month of signing a contract with us", "we can help you bring home a child by such and such date", "our adoption fees are the lowest", etc.

I would NOT sign with an agency until you have asked them hard questions and received good, full answers to those questions. Too many times we asked our agency hard questions and they just couldn't answer (at least not with anything that made sense). It is critical that you can (rightly) feel peace with your adoption process and more importantly be able to give that gift to your child - the fact that you were sure their adoption process was ethical and necessary. For a list of questions to ask, use this resource.

Note from Grace: More adoption resources can be found on my tab above, Adoption Resources.

Kampala, Uganda via shackdwellersinternational on Flickr

How do you know that the boy and his mother are okay? Do you have ongoing contact with them?
I thankfully, have the confidence that the little boy and his mother are okay.  We have committed to help economically empower them for a delegated amount of time (with accountability set in place). Although I would lying if I said they have suffered no repercussions from their decision.  On more than one occasion they have not be safe.  Can you imagine?  Making a decision that in the long-run is best for you and your son and then having to deal with feeling threatened and unsafe??  Uganda adoption is lucrative and when you do something to mix that up, it will not be without consequences.

Fellow adoptive parents tell me that I will always hear from naysayers regarding IA ethics and that it's just Satan trying to stop it.  I understand their point, but I still want to be cautious. What should I do?
Note from Grace:  I absolutely believe God wants children in families, but it's the duty of the agency/PAP to insure the child being placed for adoption is truly in need of a family. That's not always what is happening, and that saddens me. 

What if it's Satan blinding us Christian families, who are willing at any cost (all in the name of James 1:27) to adopt....?? The Lord gave us brains so we could work hard to be above reproach and to have done as much investigation as possible.... I don't think claiming ignorance will be excused forever! Reading scripture it's clear that the Lord desires justice for the vulnerable!  We need to be sure that we are following Jesus' footsteps by caring for the vulnerable, the orphan, the widow, the refugee.... that doesn't always mean adoption!

If you have any remaining questions for Amy*, please comment, email, or let me know via the contact form!

1 comment:

Ted said...

Courageous Decision. If you are following your Faith, and it sounds like you are, then you already know you made the correct decision. It within our humanness that we lack the understanding an ability to process these hardships. Its plain simple Faith that in the Lords good time, his WILL will be revealed to us, such that we can understand it. How strange (perhaps) to think we'll rejoice and celebrate in that understand once we receive it.

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